The Lost Part (kind of)

It looks like i'm going to have to improvise. Last night i wrote what could have been my best blog entry yet. I spent almost 45 minutes trying save it or post it, but it simply would not work. I couldn't even cut and paste the words. Some of my best writing, gone. And in that obvious sea of amateur crap writing that is my blog to date, it really sucked that something introspective and personal was lost. Hell, i can't even get gmail to work here, so i've been reduced to writing it in yahoo mail.

So far, so good, it just saved what i wrote so far. I can't even get to my blog now to see where it left off. OK, i just got in. I'll try to finish my thoughts from last night.

It was during that song [We're Not Gonna Take It] jumping around on the bleachers to keep warm in the unseasonably cold weather, in a rainstorm, that i first told Amy that i loved her. But since the music was so loud, i knew she couldn't hear me, so it was safe. Still, most people can read the lips of someone saying, "i love you." Either way, i thought it was interesting that Twister Sister had been playing just about the same number of years we had been alive, and that they were one of the first bands i ever knew. And to think, about 22 years later, this was happening. I made sure that song was an important part of our wedding reception as well. The point is, no matter how miserable i was on that train, i listened to that song and tried to put myself back in that moment, shivering in the rain. Or later that night, while our cloths were in the drying machine, i finally worked up the courage to tell her that i loved her, for real. I was on the edge of telling her for almost 20 minutes. I knew she liked me, a lot, but i didn't know if it was too early to tell her that. Those three big words. But i did it. And my life has been so much better ever since, to this day, i can still hardly believe that i'm living the life i'm living right now. No matter how much goes wrong, as soon as i remind myself that i'm married to Amy, i start to feel better.

This adventure has been so hard on me. I was going to try to keep everything positive in this public blog, but i'm a terrible liar. I can't go around pretending i'm having a great time when i'm not and more desperate to go home then you can imagine, and i can't lie about it here. But, as i said before, i never imagined this to be some kind of pleasure cruise. I never billed this as a vacation, it was always an adventure. It was always going to be, for me, and exercise in endurance, in perserverance, and in simply seeing and experiencing parts of the world that most Americans never will. On all of those counts, i've succeeded. But what i underestimated what the huge potential benifit this trip could have on my already very good marriage.